The Chocolate-Only Diet

There I stood in the pantry, locked in a battle of wills. And not for the first time that day. On one side, the forces of immediate gratification, made stronger by two powerful allies: my sugar-craving tastebuds, and the block of chocolate before me, already opened. In defiant and lonely opposition stood that part of me which knew the mini-Snickers bar wasn’t worth the kilojoules. After all, neither were the previous four.

Then, with the two sides entrenched in a stalemate, a breakthrough in peace negotiations. “Why not” I thought to myself “go all out and, just this once, eat nothing but chocolate for an entire day?”. Hmmm, an intriguing idea. A bold idea. “Or…how about for a whole week? Could that even be possible?”.

Curiosity piqued and gluttony justified, I ate that fifth chocolate bar and laid plans for a week of unprecedented and intentional body-abuse.

The Rules:

Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. More specifically, if its taste isn’t dominated by chocolate then I can’t eat it. So think chocolate blocks and bars, chocolate ice-cream, chocolate brownies, Tim Tams, chocolate mud cake etc. Same for drinks – mochas, chocolate milkshakes, hot chocolates.

When I’m hungry, I’ll eat. And to maintain relevance to my First World audience, I’ll also eat when I’m bored, procrastinating, or anywhere near the kitchen. Now is not the time for moderation.

The only concessions are water and medicine. ‘Cause I care about health. And I’ll try maintaining my regular exercise level, which lately hovers somewhere between ‘none’ and ‘a little more than none’.

What I expect:

Initial jubilation, fading to a persistent state of feeling unwell. Constipation from lack of fibre. I’ll feel fatty, though any weight change in only one week would be mostly due to normal fluctuations in fluid retention.

Photo of A$100+ of chocolatey food
Preparations made: A$100+ of chocolatey food acquired

As a child I worried I could get scurvy when, after a few days in America, french/freedom fries were the only vegetables that had come with my meals. I now know it takes more than a week to get scurvylicious so I won’t be losing any teeth, though I foresee lots of teeth brushing to banish that sugary feeling. Especially since my teeth already hurt when I eat chocolate.

Beyond the medical, I predict I’ll meet some people who are interested in what a week of chocolate is like. But mostly they’ll just be envious. Or think I’m an idiot. Or both.

Finally, I know I’ll pine for normal food. Especially: cheese and wine, sugar-free soft drinks (particularly cola), bacon, and coffee. Hardest of all will be household taco night.

That’s why tonight, on Chocolate Week Eve, I had a taco for dessert.

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Read next:   Onwards to Day 1 of the Chocolate-Only Diet!

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3 Replies to “The Chocolate-Only Diet”

  1. Interested to see if you can get through the week. Did you ever read the Vice article about the week on nutella?

    1. Nope, deliberately haven’t done any research for it. What was the gist of the Vice article?

      1. Well, the title was “I Ate Nothing but Nutella for a Week and Found My Inner Darkness”. He made the whole week, but it was a rough ride.

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